


this isnt forever

by jasondean



Category: Spring Awakening - Sheik/Sater
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Fluff, M/M, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-13
Updated: 2016-10-13
Packaged: 2018-08-22 04:17:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8272529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jasondean/pseuds/jasondean
Summary: ernst has a shitty day (more accurately: life) but hanschen manages to help him through it.





	

breaks in the school year are, objectively, the best part of school itself.

maybe theres something a bit wrong with students preferring breaks over everything else school offers up, but the enjoyment for a long holiday cant be disrupted easily. theres just something about having the freedom to do whatever you want after months of having a repetitive schedule laid out for you that triggers some sort of restart in you. suddenly, you have a surplus of energy where there once wasnt any before.

but school is in a week -- you only have a week to live what might as well be the rest of your life! and that is when kids run wild.

ernst robel is one of the few who only experience this secondhand via instagram feed. hes wrapped up in a blanket far too heavy to be considered appropriate for autumn with an outdated smart phone clutched in his small grasp, his nose nearly pressing up against the screen as he scrolls using swift slides down with his thumb, only interrupting the pattern to make a few quick taps. he can hear a nagging in his head, voice suspiciously like his mother, telling him hell go blind from the proximity. he tells himself its fine, the phone is the dimmest it can go, and if his eyes burn and fall out of their sockets, so be it. they already subject him to enough hell on the daily.

hes faced with a picture of otto and georg posing by a lake, clad in sunglasses and swim trunks. they are both smiling, arms wrapped around one anothers waist with the certainly chilly green water making waves in the background. he stares at it for a long time (long for a simple instagram check, at least), scrutinizing every inch of the picture, searching and searching for something to hate about it.

and he cant. but still jealousy burns in him like a blazing fire. 

he closes the app and locks his phone, coming up from his blankets and setting the device beside his head. 

ernst hates school more than anything in the world. he makes decent marks and always gets compliments from the teachers on his report cards, sure, but its all from his own astronomical effort. juggling class work that makes no sense the majority of the time on top of being vice president of the gsa and volunteering hours upon hours for the theatre department will generally generate some disdain.

and yet, hed kill for school to be in session again. breaks just give him too much time to himself, too much time to get lost in his own mind.

he closes his eyes for a moment of peace, but all he can think about is otto and georgs stupid instagram picture. 

fuck. theyre so happy, and handsome, and tall, and flat, and everything that ernst isnt and never will be.

he opens his eyes and he sees a million dancing stars blurring his vision. he feels hot. he feels sick. he sits up straight and tall against his bed frame, making desperate attempts to suck in a deep breath, but it all comes in and out shallowly. 

focus on breathing. dont focus on the hopelessness, or the anger, or yourself. just  _breathe_ , god dammit. 

ernsts right hand searches for his phone, finally finding the object and pulling it up only a couple of centimeters from his face. he unlocks the screen and goes straight to his contacts, not having to search far before pressing the call button. he holds it up to his ear, closing his eyes and trying to breathe in time to the ringing. hes afraid of what will happen if he doesnt pick up. hes afraid of what will happen if hes left alone with his anger and his misery.

"ernst? no ones seen you all--"

"hans, i think im going crazy," he interrupts immediately. the other line is silent for a pause and he swallows hard.

"youre not going crazy," hanschen replies, sounding unsure. it only makes ernsts panic feel more real. "just, tell me whats going on, alright?"

"what are you doing?" ernst asks, only considering taking up the other boys prompting for a second.

"i was baking with thea."

"you should get back to that, its not important, im okay."

"ernst, stop it. please," he adds gently. "you called me for a reason, right?"

"yeah, yeah, i guess," ernst breathes. "im just... god, it fucking sucks," he sighs heavily. "just, everything. i hate it. i hate myself."

"i dont hate you," hanschen replies. the sentiment is sweet, but it doesnt do much for ernst.

"i dont get it. i just, dont get why  _i_ have to be like this, you know? why couldnt it be someone else? why do i have to be the odd one out? i just wish i was born as someone im comfortable with and it fucking hurts, i dont know, hanschen."

hanschen doesnt reply, and he feels thankful for it. ernst is sick of people bullshitting him, pretending they understand in a sad attempt to make him feel normal. he doubts hell ever feel normal.

"sometimes its worse than other times."

"like on break. you always shut yourself in on break. its like youre dead or something," hanschen says. the last part is meant to come out humorously, but it ends up sounding concerned and straight, awkwardly tacked on. he doesnt usually show much emotion, especially not over the phone or through text. ernst feels guilt swirling around in his stomach like butterflies, but the type that make him want to cry.

"yeah, like on break," he says, voice trembling. "it feels so bad, hanschen. like something is fundamentally  _wrong_ with me. i cant stand it. i cant fix it. ill never be a real boy, so i might as well just give up, you know?" he says, his laugh sounding flat.

"what constitutes a real boy?" hanschen asks. 

ernst stays silent. "is that a trick question?" he says finally.

"no, its not," he says. "i swear."

"well, real boys are tall--"

"--im not tall."

"youre taller than me... they have deep voices and jawlines--"

"--so, i suppose georg isnt a real boy? fuckin knew it, that bastard. definitely an alien sent to spy on us."

ernst laughs, unexpected for both of them. "their fat sits right. they dont have hips, not like me, and they arent soft."

"some boys are."

"no, they arent, hanschen."

"you are," he says. "what else? they play football and mess around with girls and have sloppy handwriting? ernst, youre just listing off stereotypes, you know," hanschen tells him gently. "so what you fit the bill for the opposite of so many of them? trust me, other guys do, too. i should know."

ernst squeezes his eyes shut, trying to ignore the warm tears rolling down his cheeks and making the phone screen pressed against his ear slippery. "when am i ever going to be good enough for you?"

"you have been, for a long time, ernst."

"when am i ever going to be good enough for myself?"

silence, again. ernst sniffles and makes an attempt to wipe his tears away, but he just makes a mess, now his hands moist with tears as well. 

"i dont know. but you will be, some day."

"it has to be soon," his voice cracks. "i cant live like this forever."

"you wont have to, please, just trust me. youll figure it out, and ill help you, okay? well figure it out."

"i hate this," ernst murmurs again.

"its not permanent," hanschen reminds him. he feels an aching in his heart, wishing his boyfriends voice was here in front of him and not on a phone miles away. 

"i love you, hansi."

he laughs. "god, dont call me that. i love you too, kitten."

the nickname manages to pull a giggle from ernst as well. "why are we such cheesy people?"

"you started it."

they sit in silence for a bit, neither hanging up. ernst stays collecting himself at his bed, while hanschen does who knows what -- maybe hes gone back to baking. he hopes he doesnt hang up. he wants him here longer.

"you promise this wont be permanent?" ernst asks finally.

"i promise."

he nods, despite knowing full well hanschen cant see him. its an affirmation to himself.

this isnt forever. 

**Author's Note:**

> hey boys guess whos alive and kickin ;-)
> 
> leave a comment if youd like, id appreciate it


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